The Hidden Costs of Compassion
Did you know that sometimes compassion can have hidden costs?
Sound’s funny, doesn’t it?
But if you’re willing to check it out with me you might also realize that your compassion for others at times comes at a price to yourself.
How often have you sought to forgive, to see things from someone else’s perspective, to understand, to have compassion for why someone else might behave the way they do?
What happens to you and your experience in that?
-It can be helpful to see where someone else is coming from, to know and understand that something is not personal, to know that it is more about them than about you, that if you had their particular life experiences you might behave exactly the same way-
But still, what happens to your experiences? Your feelings? The impact their behaviors, choices or actions have had on you?
Most likely, as so many of us do, you’ll minimize your own experience and needs in deference to compassion and understanding for others. In an effort to be compassionate and understanding you essentially take yourself and your feelings out of the equation.
Does that ring true for you?
When we do this, when we remove our experience, our feelings and needs, we are downplaying and not fully owning the impact something actually had on us. Just because someone had a crummy childhood and we understand why they behave the way they do doesn’t mean that it didn’t still impact us, affect us, hurt,or not contribute to our needs and our wellbeing.
When we seek understanding and compassion without also acknowledging our experience we are doing everyone a disservice.
Not only do we then accept treatment of ourselves that doesn’t feel good or really work for us, we are also not giving the other person honest feedback about the impacts of their behavior. We also run the risk of not fully recognizing the destructiveness of particular behavior or ways of interaction and the impact it is actually having on us.
“Forgiving” can sometimes mean continuing to suffer or not have our needs met rather than holding both compassion for the other person, and care for our own experience and needs.
“Compassion” can sometimes mean not speaking or standing up for ourselves, our truth and our experience and thus giving away our power.
Often, our lack of acknowledgment isn’t just to the other person, it’s also to ourselves. That lack of acknowledgment can keep us returning to or re-creating over and over again situations and dynamics that don’t actually work for us or support our wellbeing.
So, where in your life are you being“compassionate”
towards others at your own expense?
What if you were willing to know and own the impact that others actions have on you without having to blame them or make them wrong?
What if by knowing and owning this it would create more awareness, space and freedom to choose what truly works for you?
What would it take for you to stand up for yourself and your own needs, even if it’s just in your own mind, heart and choice?
What if compassion could mean complete forgiveness and understanding for the other person AND total care and respect for yourself and your experience?
The next time you are seeking to understand someone else, have compassion for their experience and understand their actions, notice if you’re also doing the same for yourself. Your feelings needs and experiences are no less valid than anyone else’s and no matter what is true or real or contributing to someone else’s experience, you still deserve to be treated with love, respect and care and that starts with recognizing what does and doesn’t feel good to you or work for you and then choosing for yourself what does! True compassion also includes YOU.
Please share comments, thoughts, experiences and reflections below. If this provides inspiration, insight or food for thought, then share it with your friends so they can engage with these ideas too!
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I agree with the effects of positivity. For instance, should we continue to see or forgive others who have wronged us just for the sake of obligation? You sound great, like you are really grounded.
Hi Gail,
Thanks for sharing! You bring up an interesting point about forgiveness, I think I’d like to write a blog post about it some time. Forgiveness to me is really about me, not about the other person. I don’t want to suffer anymore so I choose to forgive. That doesn’t mean I’ll participate or engage with someone in a way that doesn’t work for me, but it does mean that my heart is free. Why do anything out of a sense of obligation? My experience has been that more I can find my own inner motivations and reasons for choosing what I choose, the greater experiences of freedom I have and the more I recognize anything I do as a choice. Some choices come with great consequence, but still I know I have a choice.
I’m also curious how you define grounded.These days I feel deeply self-connected and able to navigate my experiences of life and support others in doing the same without loosing my peace or my center. I’m grateful for all that life has given and taught and what I have to contribute and share as a result. I’m glad when my experience or insight is a contribution to another. Many blessings, Elana
Wow.
Thanks. Needed that.
Been struggling with it and couldn’t name it but knew it had to do with this exact thing.
You nailed it in simple terms.
Thanks!