I used to make all sorts of relationship lists-

You know the ones- The qualities he should have, what he should look like, what kind of job he holds.

How he compliments me, his degrees, is personality, his family. And on and on and on…

I’ve made lots of those lists and know people that swear by them, though I can’t say that they ever really worked for me.

Then I fell in love with someone who met very few of the external expectations and the ideas of the kind of guy that I should be with and would be right for me.  The guy before him, who I casually dated seemed to check so many of the boxes- he meditated, studied similar things, shared similar interests, had similar values. He seemed like such a good match on paper, could have checked off so many of the items on my list and yet…

This new man was so different from me in so many ways.  We didn’t come from the same background, we didn’t have all these seemingly important things in common or even share all of the same values.  And yet, he offered me feelings and experiences of love and connection that no one else ever had. While we aren’t happily married, he definitely showed me a few things about love and opened my eyes to what I now believe really truly matters.

All that list stuff? It’s just a bunch of conclusions about what you think is going to make you happy, and when it comes down to it, it’s not what truly matters.

Based on that experience with this man, I made a new list of what felt truly essential and fundamental to the experience of the relationship and love that I desire:

  • Someone who loves and adores me and who I also love and adore
  • Someone I am proud of and proud to be with and who feels honored and proud to be with me
  • He supports and inspires me to be the highest me. I do the same for him
  • We just like each other and being with each other and it’s comfortable and easy
  • We have amazing sex
  • A love that grows, that abides and endears and endures even when things are hard
  • We miss each other when we’re apart and being together makes us super happy
  • Our lives are better when we’re together than they are when we’re apart
  • We are better, happier, people for being in each other’s lives.

Honestly, what else truly matters?