The Power We Have in Relationships

I am realizing just how little power I have over other people, particularly if I want to stay in an empowered place myself.

Any time I make another person at fault or responsible for my experience, I have given my power away. When I do that, their behavior determines my experience and consequently requires them to change if I wish to have a different experience. If you think about it, I imagine that you will also realize just how little power you have to change someone else and just how frustrating it can be to try.

We really can’t make anyone change… Believe me I’ve tried! It only create suffering for ourselves in the process.

Look.

Where are you wanting someone to be different than they are?

Where and how are you trying to get them to be different?

How effective is it? How do you feel in the process?

What real power do you have to effect the situation?

Whether or not we recognize it, our sphere of influence is pretty small.

Emotional manipulation, like, blame, shame and guilt, or even threatening, while they can have some ability to effect another’s behavior, rarely actually give us what we want. We may be able to get the other person to behave the way we would like… like doing the dishes or giving us attention when we want it, but then it is usually not done from the kind of energy that makes it pleasant to receive. When we use tools of emotional manipulation, it usually requires some great cost, both in our emotional well-being and the quality of connection with the other person. Even then has limited effectiveness.

We do not have the power to make anyone do anything, we can only make them wish they had, and when we make them wish they had, they often respond in a way that makes us wish we hadn’t made them wish they had…

As I think and feel into the question of what real power and choices do I have in relationship if I am not giving my power away, if I am taking responsibility for myself and my experience, I have come up with the following:

I can EXPRESS how the other person’s actions (or non actions) behaviors or attitudes are affecting me. I am letting this person know how I am being impacted by their behavior, engagement and choices. I can express how I am feeling in relationship to what they are doing and what needs of mine are met or not met by their choices and behavior.

 I can make REQUESTS about what I would like. This is most effective when I can make a concrete, clear, doable request which we both clearly know when it has been achieved. “I want you to listen to me more” does not give clarity about what you want the person to actually do. “I would like you to wait until I’m finished speaking and then tell me what you heard me say, before you make a response” is a clear action the other person can take, and we both know when it has been accomplished.

I can INFORM them of what I will choose based on what they choose. Sometimes this can sound like a threat or punishment, or can be confused with emotional manipulation, but it’s really just me being clear about what does and doesn’t work for me and what I will choose if a situation doesn’t change. “If you keep speaking to me in that tone of voice, I am going to leave the room because I don’t enjoy being spoken to that way”. When we do this from a place of choosing what works for us, rather than as an attempt to get the other person to change or be different, then it is coming from a place of self-empowerment and choice not as a form of manipulation.

I can CHOOSE. I can choose whether or not we continue to engage. I can choose to accept the person and the situation for the way it is. I can choose to go elsewhere to have particular needs met. I can choose to blame the other person for our experience, want them to change and feel unhappy. I have choice and power over how I am, what I choose, how I  engage regardless of what the other person does or chooses.

What other choices do we really have that keeps in-tact our power and does not involve threats, resorting to violence or threats of violence?

I Noticed it spells ERIC: Express, Request, Inform, Choose. Make ERIC your friend, and stay in your place of power.

Please share comments, thoughts, experiences and reflections below!