Shifting Priorities

Not only being in kids’ lives, but fostering a certain quality of relationship is very important. If we want to make a real difference in kids’ lives, then not only our presence, but the quality of that presence can be extremely important. How do we make a cultural shift to the point where taking care of children and giving them full attention, the quality of our presence in their lives, is just as important as anything else? Can we design a life that gives children’s needs and desires at least equal weight as everything else? So often, being present with children is left far down on the list over the everyday functions and getting things done or seemingly pressing needs of the moment.

But are the things we are so concerned about really that important? I think we get caught up in the details of life so much that we forget what really and truly counts, and not just in our relationships with kids, but in all areas of our lives. Being present and really listening respectfully to what kids are saying with all parts of themselves (words, body language, actions, non-actions…emotions…tone) and then responding compassionately is, I think, the most engaging and validating thing anyone can do,  and not only with kids, but with any relationship. This can take being in a place of openness and stillness, not of triggered reaction, but of really being in a centered and open place one’s self. Louise Dietzel writes a lot about how parents’ psychology affects their relationships with their kids and that “the greatest gift you can give to your children is loving yourself”. Many have observed that making this greater initial investment of presence and connection with children will cultivate more constructive and cooperative relationships, with greater rewards, that become ultimately less time consuming (Dr. Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training, Louies Dietzel, Parenting with Respect and Peacefulness, Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication.

We so often forget to make investments that will give us long-term benefits and go for the short-term gain that seems to address the pressing needs of the moment. With a little initial investment in presence, communication and cooperation, the quality of our relationships with our children can be richly fulfilling and rewarding and support closeness and connection for the long haul. When we remember that we are building foundations for life-time relationships, maybe all those pressing things we scramble to get done become less important. If we build relationships that from the beginning are based on cooperation and respect, maybe the things we used to spend so much time trying to cajole kids into doing won’t be such struggles anymore. Kids won’t spend so much time resisting and we won’t have to spend so much time insisting.

What adjustments or re-designs might you make to your life and your relationships to your kids to be fully and truly present? Are you in touch with your parenting vision and the kind of relationship and life you would like to have with your kids or are you just trying to make it through another day? Where do you get upset or triggered and what healing work do you need to do so that you can be present to fully love yourself and your kids? If you want to make shifts but aren’t sure how, this is the essence of what my Parent Support work is designed for and I’d love to support you in having the kinds of relationships with yourself and your children that make your heart sing. I’d love to hear from you, so leave a comment below or check out my work in other areas of my website. May you connect to and live from your truest place, and connect to and foster that place in your children.