You can’t make me…

I spend a fair amount of time with children. Actually, being with and relating to children is one of those special gifts I have.  It started when I was just a kid and I guess I just never stopped playing,  being with and relating to children. Through my experience I’ve developed a unique perspective that’s part of what I’m here to share with the world.

One theme that has been arising recently is the theme of making someone do something. Sometimes the kids say to me… “Make her give that to me, Make him stop…”

Now I don’t know about you, and if you’re like most people I’ve encountered, you haven’t stopped to think about it, but I’ve realized that I have absolutely no power to make anyone do anything.

What?

Yes, that’s right. We may be able to psychically restrict another’s movements or move their body for them, but we can never make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. What we CAN do, is make them wish they HAD done what we’d asked.  In other words, we can threaten and make them afraid not to comply or punish them when they don’t.

Think about it.
Have you ever, or could you ever make anyone do something, or did you just threaten them with consequences they would find more disagreeable than doing what you want them to do? We don’t just do this with children and may not even realize we are doing it. The threats can be overt or they can be covert and subtle like how upset we will be or the emotional reaction we will have if they don’t comply.

What’s the cost of gaining compliance?

In the short-term, we may think that threat of “consequences” or punishment works, because it gives us the compliance we desire at the time we desire it.

But what is that teaching? What kind of relationship are we building? What are the costs in the long run?

As Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication puts it:

If we ask two questions, we will see that punishment never works. First: What do we want the other person to do? Second: What do we want the other person’s reasons to be for doing as we request?”

It’s the second question that helps us to see that punishment not only doesn’t work, but it gets in the way of others doing things for reasons that we would like them to do them.

Who enjoys receiving what another is giving out of fear, guilt or shame? Who enjoys getting someone to do what you want them to do when they do it with resentment and anger? We might succeed in getting the other person to do what we want them to do, but how do we or they feel as a result? How does it affect our relationship?

Try it out for yourself…

The next time you think you are making someone do something… whether it’s a child, a friend, an employee or stranger, notice what you are actually doing…

  • Are you really making them do what you wish or are you threatening consequences that would be more disagreeable than complying with what you would like?
  • What kind of impact is this having on you, the other person and your relationship?
  • What kind of energy does it require?
  • How do you feel as a results much as we like to get our way or get people to do what we want, is it really worth it or truly satisfying and what is it really costing us? What other options or strategies might be available to us?
    Can you connect to the true needs you would like to meet by getting the other person to do what you want, and can you come up with a strategy that would work for everyone? 

Please share your thoughts below: